30 june 2005
The Strangers We Know
By Terre Thomas
He’s been an older brother of a friend, a neighbor who was a firefighter, a bible camp staffer, a grocery
stockboy, a family friend, and a cousin; these are the men who have sexually assaulted people in my life. All
but one of the victims were children when it happened.
I recall a magazine ad with four smiling girls with a
caption that said, statistically, one of them would be sexually abused before she was eighteen. For boys, one
in seven will. The photo caught my eye because it captured the joyfulness I see
in my own 10 year-old daughter and her friends. As I write this, I’m sitting at a picnic table watching
them turn cartwheels in the sand into the cold lake water. I shudder at the reality of the statistic but recognize
from a headline about the abduction and rape of a West Coast nine year-old girl, how it happens.
By newspaper accounts, her abductor's violent behavior (he had beaten the girl’s mother and brother during
the abduction) and determination to take the little girl were not the norm of a child assault. But his pre-assault
contact with her was quite typical. He was the live-in boyfriend of the mother of playmates of the girl. He
represents men that a girl has peripheral contact with, who may be a monster disguised as someone they “know” and
should be able to trust.
It’s important to realize that it can take only a few short minutes for life-scarring damage to happen at the hands of an abuser. I believe one of the best protections we can give
children is to teach them to recognize, and name, strange or creepy, inappropriate behavior in adults. With my own
kids, when we have encountered someone who has behaved oddly or made them feel uncomfortable, we later talked about
how the situation “felt”.
They are teachable moments to explain that when a situation feels “off”, they should be on their guard
and tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
And,
if that trusted adult doesn’t take them seriously, they should find another adult to tell; yet another teachable
lesson. You want a child to learn, and practice, how to speak up about less-than-polite observations and feelings.
But all the instruction in the world does not replace a parent’s or guardian’s responsibility to meet
and evaluate those men who have contact with our children—even if he is a family friend, uncle, or neighbor—someone
who should be trustworthy. The discomfort of discreetly scrutinizing someone who, in most cases, poses no threat
is a small price to pay for keeping all splashing, laughing girls (and boys) safe and sound.
Terre Thomas is
the mom of a ten year old, a writer, and the owner and creator of Fairy Godmother... a store filled with things for
inspiration, encouragement, and fun! (Yfgodmother@aol.com)
Fairy Godmother is located in Calhoun Square. |
