28 november 2006
I want to work! Don’t I?
by Christine Melland
I want to work. I want to have meaningful employment, work that fulfills my spirit and puts cash in my pocketbook. I want to have stimulating conversation with colleagues I admire. I want to feel the drive to complete a project, to struggle with obstacles to overcome, and to receive accolades from my peers for a job well done.
I want to go out to lunch and have attractive clothes to wear, clothes that are not purchased for practical reasons such as “Can I get grass stains out of this?” and “Does this shirt cover my baby paunch?” I want to be around people who respect my opinion, who don’t ask “Why?” to my every statement, and challenge my authority with “How do you know?” I want to stop being followed into the bathroom, the bedroom, the basement, and the garage by my customers.
I want to leave for work and not look back. And, when it’s time to go home, I want my work to stay at the office. If there are interruptions to my work, I want them to be about the work, not outside issues such as “We’re out of toilet paper!” or “He took the last of the juice!” Yes, I’m aware that there will be power struggles at work, but hopefully they won’t result in both parties being sent to their cubicles for a timeout. Then again, depending on the workplace, maybe they will.
I have skills. I have an education. I have a resume full of relevant experience. I’m confident I can find the job I want. I want to work. Don’t I?
If I want to work, why is it that searching for a job always leaves my heart feeling an ache? If I want to continue my formal education to meet the requirements of a job, why is it that I get panicked and short of breath as I look over the admission forms? After all, I used to leave the house every day to go to work. I even held a job and attended graduate school at the same time. I can do this!
If I want to work, why do I feel like I’m selling my soul? Seriously—it feels that way. Why do I fear that at any moment, the board members of “Best Moms in America” are going to show up at my door and revoke my membership in a nasty manner that will probably photographed by the local press, followed by an article in some type of supermarket tabloid. Or worse, blasted all over the Internet with the caption, “Another One Bites the Dust!” What’s up with that?
I keep thinking my heart is telling me to back off, to just be contented with what I have—beautiful children, loving husband, and the economic freedom to take care of my family. But, I’m wrong. It’s not my heart speaking. It’s my head.
My head makes this issue of work an ideological battle and tolerates no compromise. My head draws an impossible line in the sand, a line that says, “If you cross over to the land of work, you love your family less.” My head remembers each and every one of my Mom Hot Buttons and pushes them, repeatedly, when necessary. It has to be my head—only my overactive imagination could conjure up such vivid scenarios.
For the truth, I need to turn to my heart. My heart not only knows my longings, it understands them. It doesn’t ask for reasons or permission. My heart understands part of what I want is purely material (great shoes and a knockout red suit is a start). And, it understands there is more than that—a spiritual need to be me in a way that mothering can’t always meet. My heart, if heeded, overwhelms the head, crossing the sand line saying, “You can love your family and love your work. I am big enough for everything you want. I will find a way.”
So, listening to my heart, it comes down to this: I want to work. I do.
Christine Melland is a mom, writer and workshop leader in Wisconsin. She is currently developing a workshop called "What's Next? A Guide for Moms Looking for Life Beyond Child Rearing.” |
